My Experience Attending the Crossroads Anti-Racism Workshop

I am not a scholar. And I am not a writer by any stretch of the imagination. But here I am, writing about my experience attending the Crossroads Antiracism Workshop. I participated in the first cohort last month and admittedly, I did not want to. When we were told that the Staff was expected to attend the training, my reaction was, "I'm Black, why do I need to listen to white people tell me how not to be a racist? I'm not the one with the problem." Just the thought of having to participate in something like that brought so many feelings to the surface that I usually do a good job of keeping under wraps. I didn't feel like I needed to waste my time trying to teach white folks how to treat me or explain that we are only wanting the same treatment that they receive. It's exhausting.

I'm exhausted as it is just navigating life as a Black woman. I'm exhausted trying to stay positive and hopeful when it comes to racism. I'm exhausted thinking whenever I leave my house, will today be the day that some crazy racist white lady calls the police on me for no good reason other than my skin color. I'm exhausted holding in my rage, my tears, my anger, every time I see or hear that a Black person was harmed at the hands of a white person when it's obvious it was race related. I'm exhausted thinking about the times I've had to teach my sons that if they wear a hoodie, don't put the hood on when you leave the house because that may look suspicious. Don't be the only Black kid hanging out with your white friends because you will be the one to take the fall if something happens. You can't play pranks at school like the white boys do because they will get fussed at, but you will be expelled. Don't challenge your teacher or your boss because you probably won't be treated the same as your white classmates and coworkers, even if you are right in what you are challenging them on. Don't have too many of your Black friends in the car with you because the cops will pull you over for sure. And when you get pulled over…not if, but when, because you're Black and it's inevitable, immediately call me or your dad on speakerphone, turn your car off, put your hands out the window, and don't reach for anything. You have to move differently in this world and I'm sorry it's like this, but at the end of the day, I just want you to come home. At the end of the day, I just want you alive.

Initially, I had no intention of participating during the workshop, so much so, that as soon as I logged into the Zoom call, I immediately moved my emails over the screen and proceeded to work so I wouldn't have to see anyone's face. I mean, I had to be there, but I didn't have to see them, right? A few minutes into the call, one of the facilitators stated that this workshop was not meant to be a "safe space" but more so a "courageous space." They were creating a space, not of safety and comfort, but one of courage. Courage to begin to acknowledge how you have engaged in racist behavior, courage to acknowledge when you have turned a blind eye to your peers, colleagues, and friends engaging in racist behaviors, and courage to acknowledge that you all benefit from the institutional and systemic racism that Black people and people of color are struggling with and are dying because of. The "courageous space" phrase caught my attention, so I decided I would remove my emails and give this a few minutes of my time.

By the end of the first session (mine was broken up into two half days), I found myself disappointed in the amount of silence I experienced from most of the ACPE Educators on the call. If there is one thing I know about an ACPE Educator, it's that you all can TALK! You love to be heard and you love to have a voice when you think it matters. I've been on calls with you, I've been face to face with you, I've even been in meetings with you where we had to set a time so you would actually STOP talking. So, imagine my surprise when the facilitators were asking questions and almost nobody seemed to want to respond. There were some long, awkward pauses before someone finally decided to stammer out a reply. There were a couple of times that I, one of two Black people on the call, decided to speak first just because I didn't want to hear how loud the silence was. Yes, there were a couple of educators that engaged from the beginning, but overall, not as much as I had expected. I looked forward to the next day because I was prepared to express my disappointment to the group for their awkwardness and encourage them to speak like they so freely do any other time.

Well, I'm happy to report that the following day was a bit better. There was more dialogue, more engagement, and fewer silent moments. We weren't back to the normal talkative educators that I'm used to, but I felt that they were making more of an effort, so I was content.

The Crossroads workshop doesn't get as deep as I would've liked, but it's a needed first step on a long journey in the right direction. Systemic and institutional racism does exist everywhere, including ACPE, whether you choose to believe it or not, whether you think you've participated in it or not. But these systems and institutions are made up of people. People create the systems. People create the institutions. So, the people have to make the change. The people, you, have to be uncomfortable and willing to call yourselves out and call your peers out. Until the people with the power to influence change actually use their power to influence change, what will really change? Pastoral care should be for all, not just if you're white.

Do I believe everyone should attend this workshop? Yes, I do. Do I believe that after the workshop all overt or covert racist behavior will disappear? While I wish that could be, unfortunately, no, that won't happen. But I do believe that we have to start somewhere. I don't regret attending the workshop. I'm actually glad I participated. My hope is that you take away this:  Attend the conference. Then do the real work.

Sheilah Hawk first joined the ACPE office team in the summer of 2008 as the business manager for the Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling. Since 2012, Sheilah has served as ACPE’s Certification Administrator. She may be contacted at Sheilah.Hawk@acpe.edu.