Advent and CPE: The Frustrations of Becoming

CPE is frustrating.* Even though I know this mentally, it can sometimes surprise me how frustrating it can be. “Verbatims” in particular are frustrating. Presenting an in-depth reflection on a spiritual care visit is vulnerable. All attention is on you. Questions needle you to try to get at your core. You risk being misunderstood. No matter how much you may want perfection, it won’t be perfect. The process is not designed for that. There’s always something to grow in, because CPE is a process of becoming.

And this can be frustrating. It’s frustrating when you’re trying the best you can to be honest with yourself and speak truthfully with the group, but still having blind spots. It’s frustrating when you’re asked to explore how you’re feeling, but being limited in finding the words to express yourself.

This became very clear during IPR last Thursday. IPR is an opportunity to openly address anything related to CPE with our peers, and we let it be known how frustrating CPE can be for ourselves and each other. It was vulnerable and intense … Yet it was really good. It was needed. That’s why we welcomed it.

This brought me into the spirit of Advent. Ironically, it was through the “come to Jesus” meeting of IPR that literally brought me closer to the spirit of Jesus. Advent is about waiting for the arrival of Christ. In the first Advent, God’s people waited for Christ to come into the world. In the second Advent, not only are we waiting for Christ to come again, but we are also waiting for Christ to come in us. As St. Athanasius once said, “God became a human so that humans might become like God” (On the Incarnation, 54:3). Advent reminds us that we are waiting to become like God.

Yet sometimes I can lose sight of how frustrating this process of waiting is. It’s frustrating to stand between the tension of what I currently am and what I want to become. It can be so hard to hold both acceptance and aspiration together - accepting myself as already beloved by God as I am, yet also aspiring to become more like God.

I want to become more like the incarnate God of Love. That’s another way of saying that I want to live more freely from fear and shame. That I want to become more full of goodness, grace, and truth. That I want to become more able to love God and other people. That vision excites me! But the reality is, I currently have things in my character that limit my ability to live in love. So I have to go through a lifelong process of working through these limits. Like every process, it takes time. It takes waiting. Waiting is frustrating because no matter how much I may want something now or how hard I try to get it now, I cannot have it yet. I can’t skip the process. I have to wait.

Yet how beautiful it is to have an entire season devoted to honoring this. An entire season that recognizes and names the oft-frustrating process of waiting to become like Christ. Though we might not all observe the season of Advent, and perhaps have different beliefs regarding Jesus and the Second Coming, those of us in CPE can affirm that we are all in a process of becoming and this process is often frustrating.

I’m reminded of my first day of my first unit of CPE down in South Florida. I walked into a small room and saw two phrases written on the white board: 1) “You’re standing on Holy Ground,” and 2) “Trust the Process.” When I first heard this, I probably rolled my eyes internally because it seems cliché and unhelpful. Saying “Trust the Process” is like telling someone who is having a panic attack “Do not Worry.”

But the more I go through CPE, the more I think I’m starting to understand what this means. It means when I am on the hot seat for a Verbatim and I come up against the limits within myself - believing that God is working through that. It means as I make the effort to speak as truthfully as I can and be curious with myself in conversation - believing that God is working through that. It means even in the moments when I struggle to do this well and it becomes frustrating for myself and others - believing that God is working through that. And yes, it even means when raw emotion is expressed during IPR - believing that God is working through that.

“Trust the process” for me means believing that God is working through every moment in life – even if I might not see it. As my wife Dani says, “Nothing is wasted.” Of course, believing this doesn’t change how challenging or frustrating the process is, but it does give me hope that it’s worth it. Advent, like CPE, is just as much about hope as it is frustration. Hope is the reason we continue to do hard things. It’s what allows us to endure frustration because we believe it’s worth it in the end. My deepest hope is to see more of “Christ in me” (Colossians 1:27), and it’s precisely this hope that grounds me during the challenges of both Advent as well as CPE.

Whether you are a fellow sojourner in CPE or not, may this Advent season be an invitation for you to hold both frustration and hope together, as you trust in the One who is working through every season of our lives to help us become more like the incarnate God of Love.

*For those who may not be familiar, Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) is a form of professional education for ministry. It is an intense learning experience as ministry leaders and students provide spiritual care in a variety of settings, and then reflect on these experiences with their peer group and supervisors. CPE helps us to develop a deeper awareness of ourselves as people and of the needs to whom we minister.