Reflections from the Interim Executive Director

“For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven…”

-Ecclesiastes 3:1

I have just returned from the funeral of my 94-year-old aunt, my father’s eldest living sister. While there, news came that my uncle, who was 88 years old, had died. It seems my family has been in a season of grief and loss for a long time.  Before I can say goodbye to one, news of the death of another comes. I have found myself saying, “I am over death.”  I want to just have a moment to breathe before the breath is knocked out of me once again. But as the writer of Ecclesiastes says, “There is a season and a time for every matter under heaven."

Pema Chodron, in When Things Fall Apart, writes, “There are three truths … of our existence:  impermanence, suffering, and egolessness…”  Nothing stays the same, everything is constantly changing. Impermanence, Chodron writes, is both the goodness of reality and at the same time bittersweet. Our desire for things to last forever, for time to stand still, makes it hard for us to accept impermanence. We spend so much time denying that things are always changing, that life is constantly evolving, that we forget the only constant in life is change, and in the process, Chodron writes, “we lose our sense of the sacredness of life.”

Even as I write this, I can feel the tug of war in my heart as I struggle to accept this concept of impermanence. I resist with every fiber of my being the suffering that comes with this impermanence, this change. I am always aware of my need for certainty, of needing to know the future, of needing to control everything.

I have been in the position of Interim Executive Director now for almost 8 months. In many ways, I came to this position with blinders on – well maybe not blinders, but certainly not with my eyes wide open. I came with the same lens I wore when I was President of ACPE ten years ago. What I saw then is not what I see now. What was happening then is not what is happening now. Yes, we have always been an ever-evolving organization. We have always pushed ourselves to be at the forefront, to rise above everyone else, and to be the premier organization.  We have always been in a state of transition of some sort.

But this time, things feel different. The changes seem to be lifting to the surface our generational gaps – the old vs new, the younger generation vs the older generation.  Where do I fall? I was trained in the old system and at times my arrogance raises its head and says what we did before is better than what we are doing now. I am also aware that I am being invited every day to embrace the new, step out of my comfort zone, and think outside the box. I am reminded of the times I sat with the CEC who was the co-educator in my last resident group before retiring. She was a breath of fresh air – always inviting me to find a way to embrace the new while holding on to what was good in the old. I did not have to choose between one or the other – there is blessing and goodness in both, and challenges and places of growth in both.

As I listen and hear the different voices in our community, I am reminded of the importance of remaining curious, staying open to learning, and crossing over to the other side every now and then just to get a feel for what the other is thinking and feeling. I am reminded of my theology of paradox – two contradictory things invite us to the whole, the broader truth – living in the tension between both/and. Parker Palmer speaks to this understanding of paradox:

“There is a third way… A way beyond choosing either this pole or that. Let us call it ‘living the contradictions.’ … The poles of either/or, the choices we thought we had to make, may become signs of a larger truth than we had even dreamed. And in that truth, our lives may become larger than we had ever imagined possible… Our first need is not to release the tension, but to live the contradictions, fully and painfully aware of the poles between which our lives are stretched. As we do so, we will be plunged into paradox, at the center of which we find transcendence and new life.”  (The Promise of Paradox)

This is where I believe we are in ACPE.  Everyone at the table has something to offer to the conversation. It is up to us to remain curious, and open to hear the goodness and critique, and then find a way to meet somewhere in the middle. May it be so.