A Journey to Myself - A Resident Chaplain’s Reflection

At the beginning of my CPE journey, I asked myself a question I am sure every CPE student has asked themselves in the past. Why am I doing this? I'm sure at the beginning we all have an answer to the question. Looking back from the end of my journey, my answer differs greatly than from the beginning. At the beginning the answer was shallow, because God called me to this. This was the answer I had heard my entire life from ministers, so it sounded like a reasonable enough answer. I didn’t know how wrong I was.

It was during those dark fatigue-filled hours of the early mornings my mind continued to turn to Esther. It was when I thought about Esther and all that she went through that a different reason formed and tickled in the faintness part of my mind. Esther was asked to do the unthinkable, but when Mordecai said those words, we all know so well; what if you were born for a time such as this?  Esther found her strength and her people were saved.

The world was tough, but it is getting better now. If you would have asked me a year ago if I had plans to pack up my family and move across the country, I would have said you were crazy (much less to do it in the middle of a pandemic). Yet here I am standing in Corpus Christi, Texas, having survived getting COVID and a knee surgery this year, looking at myself in the mirror with Esther’s words ringing in my ears. What if you were born for a time such as this?  I am no Esther, but I find peace in those words.

Still, I am left with the why? Why did Esther do what she did? Working against years of tradition and my stubbornness, my peers and educator took on the task of giving continuous feedback about my verbatims, feedback I didn’t always want to hear. Feedback alone wasn’t enough, even the work on my genogram, which shows my need to connect with others, wasn’t enough to answer my why question. Then one night on pager shift I received a call to the emergency room. A hospice patient wanted prayer. She was asleep when I arrived and after gently waking her; she asked me simply to recite the Lord’s Prayer. Once I started, she took the lead with the prayer, but I was with her the whole time. Once we finished, she looked me straight in the eyes said, “I don’t know why anyone would go into this type of work, but I am glad you are here.” She rolled over and went to sleep. That night my why was answered. It was to love and connect with those who are hurting and going through pain. To be a gentle presence and help guide them to the light.

Once this moment happened, CPE clicked for me. No longer did I draw back or hold back. I embraced the CPE process. All my goals were directed to connecting with others and through these connections I have been able to find my place. I have been able to find my why. I am forever a CPE student, not because God called me even though he has, but because people need someone to connect with them in their darkest times and walk with them like Esther walked with her people.

Without the new behaviors I learned in CPE my why would still not be answered. I have learned how to reflect on my pain, my trauma and allow them to help me understand who I am. Through my awareness learn to connect with others and care for myself holistically.