Summer CPE Unit Leads to Self-Healing

In the early days of May 2020, my career plans changed when my employer, a parochial school, informed me that they were dismissing me.  The reason was that I was no longer a good fit for the school.  When the president of the school gave me the notification, I was not angered by it.  I was relieved by the information because I had not been happy with the teaching profession since I started two years prior.  I had an intuition that there was going to be a change with my career plans but did not know when it was going to happen. 

When the school gave me the notification, the pandemic was still in its early stages.  I was going to use the summer to plan for the upcoming school year.  There were many uncertainties with regards to the pandemic.  Many of the teachers did not know what plans were going to be initiated for the following school year.  They did not know if the classes were to be given online or in-person.  The administration was playing a game “let us wait and see” what happens over the summer.  As for me, I was no longer planning for the next school year.  I needed to find another career path.  My supervisors at the hospital advised me to pursue my certification for chaplaincy. 

With the advice from the Staff Chaplains and other people, I applied for the Summer Intensive CPE Unit at Baylor Scott & White (BSW) Medical Center – Hillcrest at the last minute.  For the past year, I have been working as a PRN Chaplain with BSW Medical Center – Temple.  In the back of my mind and through the encouragement of others, I wanted to become a chaplain since I had my first experience with BSW Medical Center – Irving.

When I started the Summer Unit, it was like I was putting on an old pair of gloves because it was my second CPE Unit.  I was familiar with the process, and I was ahead of my peers in developing goals and writing verbatims.  Through the help of my educator, Jacob George, D.Min., one of my personal goals was to reclaim my pastoral identity.  In 2017, my pastoral identity was taken from me.  Moreover, I was not able to recover my identity in the two years I was teaching. 

My faith tradition is Roman Catholic.  For five years, I was on track to be ordained a Catholic priest, but my formation for the priesthood came to an erupt end in 2017.  During my last meeting with the bishop, he made me feel small due to my experiences from my pastoral year.  He eluded that I would not be ordained a priest.  Or, it would be a few more years before he would ordain me a priest if he would find me worthy of becoming a priest.  He implied that the failings of the pastoral year were my fault.  In a time when the Church needs priests, I felt that I was not wanted.  His words were harsh and did not show any compassion.

When I decided to leave the priestly formation, I felt like I lost a part of myself.  In an article, “Divorced From Religious Life” by Dr. Randall B. Smith, she wrote that there was a sense of pain and loss when someone leaves the religious formation process.  The author described the emotion of leaving the religious formation process to someone who is going through a marital divorce.  In the depts of the person, the suffering is felt.  For me, it is a loss that I still deal with daily.  The diocese did not provide any comfort in my loss.  Only three priests reached out and provided a small amount of ministry.  I felt like an outcast from the diocese.  I no longer belonged in the inner circle of their friendship. 

In this Summer CPE unit, I came to face my loss head-on, which was not my initial goal for this unit. I discussed my loss with my clinical supervisor and educator.  It was through their help that I developed my personal goal in reclaiming my pastoral identity.  In being open to my peers, I discussed my loss with them.  Over the past few weeks, I have been more open about my loss than I have been in the past three years.  They have helped me come face-to-face with my loss and have praised me for my openness.

In the weeks into the summer of CPE, I experienced another aspect of my loss.  I had to come face-to-face with my family that I have not spoken or seen in over three years.  I did not want to discuss with them why I left the formation for the priesthood.  Well, it seemed like my Aunt Marilyn wanted me to come back to the family.  She was a very eccentric woman, and I had a good relationship with her.  She passed away during the CPE unit.  In showing respect to my Aunt Marilyn, I went to the funeral.  It was the first time that I was face-to-face with my mom’s side of the family.  I had discussed my visit with the staff chaplains, my peers, and the educator.  They offered consoling words and support for the loss of a loved one.

Before my travels from Texas to Nebraska for the funeral, I was scheduled to do an interview for the CPE residency program.  I did think about rescheduling the interview, but since it was by video conference, I decided to do it on the road.  I scheduled a stop during my travels and was able to find a coffee shop to connect my laptop to the shop’s WIFI.  I explained to those who were in the interview that I was traveling for my aunt’s funeral.  As part of their concern for me, they asked if it would be better to reschedule the interview.  I mentioned that I was comfortable in the current setting and did not feel the need to reschedule.  During the interview, I talked about the reason why this trip was so meaningful for myself and my family.  My interviewers asked about the feelings, and they helped me name them.  They helped me process the mourning that I felt for my Aunt Marilyn and the loss of my pastoral identity.  They praised me for how open I was for my loss.

I was able to arrive at the funeral home near the end of the viewing.  There were some family members that I had not seen in years or never met.  I gave my respects to my Aunt Marilyn.  Before visiting my Aunt Marilyn, I received an unexpected gift.  My Aunt Mary, sister to my Aunt Marilyn, gave me tears of joy and laughter.  She was happy that I was with the family again.  As for the rest of the family, there were not many questions about my divorce from the religious formation.  They did not ask what happened or how I was feeling.  There were just feelings of welcome-back-to-the-family.  As I spent the next couple of days mourning the loss of my Aunt Marilyn, I was surrounded by love from the rest of the family. 

The Summer Intensive CPE of 2020 had an unexpected effect on my being.  I did not know that it would start the healing process on the loss of my pastoral identity.  Before this Summer Unit, I was ignoring my loss.  I knew I had to deal with the pain at some point, but I did not have the tools to start the process.  In reflecting on this Summer Unit, I would say that it was providential that I was dismissed from the school.  The Lord knew that I had to mourn my loss.  He knew that I had to share my loss with my Educator, Supervisor, and with my Peers.  They were instrumental in my mourning process.  I know that my mourning is not done.  I must continue to mourn and heal.  I will use other tools such as counseling and the CPE Residency Program to continue the healing process.

Oscar F. Chaparro grew up in a small town north of Amarillo, Texas.  Oscar graduated high school in 1995 and served the U.S. Navy for ten years.  In answering the call for sacred work, he left the navy to study for the priesthood for the Roman Catholic faith tradition.  Through discernment, he left the formation process and continued to serve by studying to become a board-certified chaplain.  Oscar will start the residency program with Baylor Scott and White in Temple, Texas